Went to Join a Gym and Ran in the Opposite Direction

So, we are in the process of purchasing a new home. I swear there have been so many lessons from buying a newly constructed home, but more on that later… but, with new homes in new locations come trying to visit the neighborhood as much as possible to learn where all of your “new” favorite amenities will be..
One of our New Year’s resolutions were to lose weight. Here is where we started back in January:

We have each picked realistic Weight Loss goals (at least we think they are).. and its always easier to have someone else to look at and say.. hmm, I would be happy if I were their size.
To remind you of my goal, I want to look like Serena Williams.
Here is another visual of what I am going for: afterall she to me isn’t stick figure and still thick in the right places.. works for me!
My husband decided that his goal would be more along the lines of Tyler Perry in the Movie Good Deeds.
Heck! I will even take a little bit of Gabrielle Union’s size, like I used to be when hubby and I met about seven years ago..
But for now.. that’s where we are…
So we went looking for Gyms that would be closer to our new home and decided we would go check out some of the bigger gyms that are in the area because we were so spoiled by our last gym, despite me not going for a while. But our old gym was what I liked to call the WalMart of Gyms! It had everything!: multiple basketball courts, rock climbing wall, racquetball courts, loads of free weight equipment, cardio equipment, two group excercise rooms and a spinning room, two indoor pools, an outdoor pool, hot tubs, saunas, steam rooms AND even offered hot pilates and massages, towel service, kids play areas, a beauty salon, juice bar and MORE!
I mean REALLY?! Where could we find something like THAT anywhere else.
So we attempted to at least find something close.
We pulled up at one place, very optimistic. I won’t name the gym because it goes downhill from here. We walk in and escorted to a sales person who wanted to give us a tour. Half way through the tour I was unimpressed. Not to mention before we began the tour, he tried to sell us on how much he knew about fitness because he had been in the fitness industry for over 10 years.. followed by him saying “Yeah, I used to work at GNC before here.” Sir, you have experience in retail, not fitness.. but I digress..
After sitting back down at his desk after going through the gym in about 10 mins… he didn’t get the hint that we were “just looking” and proceeded to try to sell us from all kinds of angles.
Him: “So I hear you say its the fee that is the reason why you are not joining?!”
Us:” No, sir, we do not live on this side of town and we still belong to our previous gym.”
Him: “So, let me give you some free passes for around the time you want to join!”
Us: “we haven’t told you that we want to join.”
After a good ten minutes, the fake smiles were out the window.. it kinda got pointless, we had no free passes to try out the gym… at least last time we looked at a gym they gave us free passes and 2 free sessions with a personal trainer!
Lets just say that we won’t be joining there.. PUSHY GYM SALES FOLK!
But what do we hate more then PUSHY GYM SALES FOLK??

So first, I must spread some Sunshine to Marilyn at The Artsy Girl for posting this one! I thought it was so funny that I had to share…
Trust, we get plenty of offers to have personal trainers, but after my first stint with the freebie guy.. and watching (yes, you read that right) my husband work out with one at the dream gym.. this is exactly how he felt, so yeah, I pass .. for now.. running in the opposite direction because this would be my exact sentiments!
Dear Diary…..A Woman’s Week At The Gym!
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

 Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. 
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.  I called the club and
made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! 
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 a.m.  Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.  He is something of a
Greek god — with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines…  I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class
after my workout today.  Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. 
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Christo made me lie
on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My
legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding
smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT!  It’s a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving
my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was
OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when
he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. 
Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape
and enjoy life.  He said some other crap too.
Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half an hour
late– it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells.  When he was not looking,
I ran and hid in the restroom.  He sent some skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– which I sank.
I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic,
little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don’t have any triceps! 
And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the darn
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher.  Why couldn’t it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering
why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the
machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD
that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift
for me that is fun– like a root canal or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had
wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

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